Well, I guess the man next door is here to stay. He disappears for most of the day and then returns somewhere around 1 o’clock in the morning. And all night long, I get hit from his apartment, upstairs, the cars outside, and other adjacent apartments. The hits I get feel like a pulsating heart. There’s a pounding in my back and all over my body. I worry about my heart being hit all the time. What if they hit my heart, I’ll be dead, or worse, get a heart attack. I guess I’d rather be dead than have a heart attack. At least if I’m dead, I won’t have to put up with all the b.s. I’m really not living. I’m really just existing. I ask myself sometimes “is this life worth living”? The answer is definitely a “no”. But then, someone is kind to me and I think that life is worth living. I tell myself that not everyone is as evil as the people who surround me.
Yesterday I went to the store; I needed food. At the store, I ordered some chicken, fried chicken, which I rarely eat. The man at the counter was very nice, not phony nice, but in a humane kind of way. The chicken cost $3.99 for four thighs and 1 leg, the special of the day. So I ordered the special. The deli man gave me my order and I thanked him. I could tell he knew who I was, but he was still very kind. I could see the kindness in his eyes and the way he spoke to me. I didn’t check to see what he put in the bag. Later, when I got home, I looked in the bag. He’d filled my bag with four chicken breasts and four big thighs and charged me the same price as for the legs and thighs. My bag felt heavy, but I did not give it any thought. I knew the man was kind, but how kind, I didn’t know. What a nice thing to do for someone. I have to go back and thank him. It is people like him that keep me going. If it weren’t for people like the deli man’s kindness to me every once in a while, I probably would have given up on humankind a long time ago. And probably on myself, too. I have to constantly remind myself that there are kind people in the world, but with all the evil I have to put up with every day of my life, it’s hard for me to remember.
Things have not gotten better for me by any means. Things have gotten worse day by day. There are more gang stalkers after me now than before. I no longer believe that humans are inherently kind; that’s not been my experience. My experience has been one of people who are evil. And they enjoy being evil to someone who they can do anything to and get away with it. It is in their evil smile, the way they walk, their smugness of self. The smugness of feeling they’re better than me because I’m considered persona non grata. Now I know how Martin Luther King felt. They did the same thing to him. But I’m sure his treatment was worse. They killed him, of course. There’s no doubt in my mind that the government killed Martin Luther King.
Here’s a line from a “Streetcar Named Desire” quoted by Blanche DuBois: But some things are not forgivable. Deliberate cruelty is not forgivable. It is the one unforgivable thing, in my opinion…and I agree with Blanche. Deliberate cruelty is unforgivable, whether by government or gang stalkers.
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